Is Romance Dead or Delayed?
Dear Dr. Gurney,
Hello! You may not remember me, but I took your Child Development course at Westmont in 2013 and wanted to share a fun relationship-related story.
One day in class, we were talking about how the dating culture of Westmont was not the healthiest, and you posed an extra credit assignment—you would give us extra credit if we asked someone out on a date.
Being the kind of student I was, I felt I neeeeded to get the extra credit, and agonized over what to do. I had a crush on this one man in high school who lived in Indiana. It was terrifying but I asked him out on a Skype date. … (did that count? It took all of me!!)
Long story short, we never stopped talking and are getting married in October!
As strange as it sounded at the time, it was an extremely pivotal challenge—for my ideas about gender roles, relationships, fear of rejection, etc.
Thank you for challenging us.
As a clinical psychologist specializing in couples and family therapy, as well as a professor, wife, and mother of two teenage daughters, I spend much of my time reflecting on, researching, and discussing love and relationships. One trend I’ve observed—in my private practice, college classroom, and personal life—is that young people today approach dating with increased anxiety and avoidance. Research supports my clinical experience and indicates that dating is on the decline among teens and young adults, despite the fact that the majority of single men and women between the ages of eighteen and thirty-four want to be in a romantic relationship. The challenge? Many simply don’t know how to navigate the path to finding one.
This gap between desire and ability points to a deeper issue, I believe: one that goes beyond individual willpower and speaks to the zeitgeist of 2026 and how we learn (or don’t learn) about relationships in the first place. According to social learning theory, we develop behaviors by observing and imitating others. But what happens when the examples we see are few and often unhealthy? Many young adults today have grown up without witnessing strong, enduring relationships, leaving them with no blueprint for how to sustain loving, intimate ones themselves. Add social messages that prioritize careers over connection (especially in the college and postgrad years), the influence of the digital age where it’s easier to DM than to initiate a real-life conversation, and choice overload that makes it feel like there’s always someone better just a swipe away, and it’s no wonder that young adults feel anxious when it comes to love, romance, and relationship formation.
Are we surprised then, by the rise of “situationships” and hook-ups (words our grandparents never heard of)? In a culture that views dependence as weakness, no one wants to ask, “What are we?” for fear of seeming too needy or serious. So casually engaging in one-night stands and having “stayovers” without commitment has become the norm for many young adults. The problem? When we just show up in our bodies, we are dodging vulnerability and visibility; authentic intimacy requires that we show up with our whole selves.
So, what do we do?
If we truly want young adults to date well, we must begin by treating dating not as a serendipitous byproduct of youth, but as a skill—one that can be learned, practiced, refined, and improved over time. That shift starts with naming it: speaking openly about attraction, dating, and relational dynamics rather than acting as though love will somehow “just happen.” As parents, professors, clinicians, and coaches, we heavily emphasize academic excellence and career preparation—but often go silent when it comes to relational life. We assume that young people will pick up relational wisdom on the fly, but relationships don’t build themselves.
Even after marriage, we can model the intentional, messy, beautiful work of partnership—date nights, vulnerable conversations, respectful disagreement, and repair when conflict arises. When young people see us showing up in relationships—not perfectly, but intentionally—they begin to internalize that relational growth is ongoing and imperfect. We can help normalize the entire dating process, presenting it as something worth investing in and iterating, much like a job interview, a musical instrument, or a sport.
Scholarly evidence supports this approach. A recent systematic review of interventions aimed at promoting healthy romantic relationships among youth (ages twelve through twenty-five) analyzed twenty-seven program studies and found that most interventions increased knowledge about healthy relationship practices, though effects on changing deeper beliefs or behaviors were more inconsistent. This suggests that teaching relational theory and vocabulary is a necessary first step—but not sufficient on its own. Programs that incorporate skills practice, feedback, role-play, and repeated exposure tend to fare better at translating knowledge into behavior.
In the context of intimate relationships, the principle of “deep practice” is directly applicable: repeated, focused practice paired with reflection and feedback leads to mastery. In dating, that means encouraging young adults to take small risks, reflect on how it went (with a mentor if possible), adjust, and try again. Just as Taylor Swift didn’t become a world-class artist overnight, no one becomes a “great partner” without intentional effort. If young people hope for long-term love, marriage, or family, they can’t default to hookup culture and expect real connection to spontaneously emerge; instead, they must adopt curiosity, openness, and intentionality.
Dating isn’t about instantaneous perfection. It’s about willingness to show up with courage, be vulnerable, and embrace both the discomfort and the delight with openness and humility.
There are numerous principles and practices we can explicitly talk about with young people. One practical tool that I share with my students and single clients is a “three-date minimum” rule—giving a budding relationship enough time to move beyond surface-level chemistry before prematurely dismissing someone. Additionally, young daters should be taught conflict-resolution strategies, empathy, and verbal communication skills. Indeed, research with youth aged fourteen through twenty-four shows that dimensions of perspective-taking and verbal skill correlate with the use of positive conflict resolution strategies in dating relationships, whereas impulsivity undermines it. We can scaffold those skills, helping young adults show up more present, aware, and resilient—even in the complicated or messy parts of connection.
In short: dating isn’t about instantaneous perfection. It’s about willingness to show up with courage, be vulnerable, and embrace both the discomfort and the delight with openness and humility. So here’s to continuing to challenge and walk alongside young adults as they navigate the messy and meaningful journey of love and connection.
Since that unforgettable email in 2019, asking someone out isn’t extra credit in my class—it’s a course requirement. It’s made me either the most loved or most avoided professor on campus—but either way, my college students are thinking deeply about what it means to date with intention.
About the Author
